hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I just want nice things and good sex
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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