Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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