He disabled his match.com account in front of me
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
