im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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