Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
