I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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