you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
