you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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