shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
