so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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