Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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