Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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