Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
