Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
