There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
