And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
my liver is dry heaving
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
