Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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