Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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