I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
