Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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