woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
