my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
