dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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