She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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