Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
All the doctor said was why
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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