R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
