The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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