I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
