Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
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You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
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Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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