Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
