it's too hot outside to masturbate.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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