I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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