just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
