mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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