last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Randomize
