So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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