i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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