I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
