K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
