dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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