I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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