Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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