Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
What a dumb baby whore.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
