Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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