he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
