I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm getting married
To pizza
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
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