she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
