I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
