Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
