Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
