I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
