Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
