I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
