mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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