i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
