And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
