Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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