I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
