bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
