there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
