the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
