so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
